Distraction Ahoy!

I can always tell when I’m *stuck* at a writing impasse, suddenly other things become much more interesting.  New stories start springing into my head.

Bic for her pens, the most sexist thing ever

Bic “For Her” pens. Apparently women aren’t able to use pens designed for men.

For instance, I just spent almost thirty minutes reading the reviews on Amazon for “Bic For Her” pens.  While they are hilarious, it’s not helping me accomplish anything.   One of the great reviews:

*****
Tracy Hamilton
Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I’m swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It’s comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty! Since I’ve begun using these pens, men have found me more attractive and approchable [SIC]. It has given me soft skin and manageable hair and it has really given me the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bag-boy at my local market. My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved, and now that I’m writing my last name hyphenated with the Robert Pattinson’s last name, I really believe he may some day marry me! I’m positively giddy. Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen that my lady parts can really identify with.

Where has this pen been all my life???

 

 

I love hilarious Amazon product reviews.  The trend seemed to start (as far as I know) with the glorious “Three Wolf Moon” shirt

Three Wolf Moon Tee Shirt featuring Kirk Allmond's doppleganger

People have often claimed that I’m the 2nd guy from the left

several years ago.  There are tons of products that, to the insightful reviewer are comedic gold.   One of the most famous images of the Three Wolf Moon shirt is to the right.  People often swear that I’m the guy 2nd from left.  I assure you, I have never worn a shirt so hideous, so disgusting as the one the character 2nd from the left is holding in his hand, nor would I hide such a masterpiece as the Three Wolf Moon shirt under such a horrible polo.

My favorite of the Three Wolf Moon shirt reviews:
This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.

Another favorite of mine is on Avery Durable View Binder with 2-Inch Slant Ring

Mitt's binders full of women

Mitt Romney’s line “I have binders full of women” sparked some outrage

4.0 out of 5 stars Convenient storage for woman and related accessories, October 18, 2012

By  Mittens
 
This review is from: Avery Durable View Binder with 2-Inch Slant Ring, Holds 8.5 x 11-Inch Paper, White, 1 Binder (17032) (Office Product)

As a very busy and successful businessman and politician (who is also extremely wealthy), I need the most functional and easy to use items at my disposal. I have been using these Avery Durable View Binder with 2 Inch EZ-Turn Ring, White to store my multitudes of “not quite as qualified as men, but it’s ok because they’re only women” female candidates and employees.

There are many features that make this binder so useful:

-The EZ-turn rings keep the women contained during the day, but make it so easy to release them at 5:00 to go home to make dinner. With my previous binders, I had to devote too much of my time to freeing the women to complete their necessary household duties.
-The interior pockets provide storage for all the paraphernalia associated with women, like makeup bags, recipe books, etc. Before they would just clutter up the office.
-Women are now easily categorized for much faster reference! We have ours sorted into Blonde, Brunette, or Redhead…but you could easily group by age, bra size, typing speed, or anything else you could imagine!
-Gap-free rings make it seem as though you are completely serious about closing the gender gap!
-Durable construction can withstand all the banging on the glass ceiling organizers

Overall, I highly recommend these for anyone with heavy-duty women storage needs. If you are a lighter user of female storage, you may want to check out a Trapper Keeper for your needs instead.

And now, I’ve managed to avoid writing the last 1000 words of the first “What Zombies Fear Adventures” serial short.  I have a whole series of these planned, between 7000 and 8000 word short stories that take place during the 12 years that is skipped in Declaration of War.

I’ve spent 30 minutes blogging about not writing the ending of that story!  Hooray for successful procrastination!

Off to write…

–Kirk Allmond

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4 thoughts on “Distraction Ahoy!

      • :O Oh no. Crap. Was it an affiliate link? 😦 I only searched for products and copy-pasted the link. I thought affiliate links were special things that had to be activated or something… (Does that mean every link to Amazon I copy-paste from the browser is automatically an affiliate link? :O)
        Kirk, please take down the links. Sorry for spamming… 😦

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